A Star

A Star

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Does a Star Grant Wishes,

Upon them That Ask Of Her,

They That Beseech her,

Does She Twinkle Her Consent,

Or Do All Supplications,

Spoken, Heaven Bound,

Meet Her Scornful Mirth,

And Fall back to the Ground,

For Them That Loved Truly,

For Them that Believed Blindly,

Does She Fulfill Their Desiderata,

Or Does She Remove More, Cruelly,

Is She Hope, Defiant,

Piercing The Night's Seams,

Or Just the Glint of Irony,

Blanketed In the Dark of Dead Dreams..

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yes, I deleted my last entry. I went without music and words for so long, I felt everything so perfectly, so absolutely, that I feel like she died all over again. However, I still have a job to do, and till that is done, I cannot afford to lose myself. And For that, I Need These Words......

A Tale..

A Tale...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Sullen Tale,

Of Spring's First kiss,

A Summer Untainted,

Autumn's Leaves Falling Grieved,

A Tale Ended abrupt,

Amidst a Cold Winter Solstice,

She Led A Stray Down.

A Path that Hope lit,

Feeding It Scraps From her Table,

One It was not deemed fit to Sit,

Its Loyalty grew steadfast,

Its Hunger now tamed,

Gazing on Its Mistress Lovingly,

It forgot from whence It Came,

One day she tired of its whimper,

Its doleful eyes No longer had Sway,

She once again led the stray,

This time somewhere far away,

Down a cold and dark Alley,

And promised to come back One Day,

The confused pup howled sadly,

In Pain, Words couldn't Say,

Despondent, Abandoned,

As its Angel Walked Away...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Not all tales, have happy endings...

The Witness

The Witness

++++++++++++++++++++

I saw love today,

She was a beautiful thing,

Resplendent,

Effervescent,

She was Awe Inspiring,

When She Walked,

Through a shared kiss,

I saw Faith,

I saw Fervour,

I witnessed a Man's Bliss...

What i have,

I place in prayer,

That love like that,

Stays Still forever,

That they remain,

Love's Astute Tower,

That in Their Union,

Their Fears Will Cower,

Love is a Gift,

Unlike no other,

May love Always Be,

Their Lives' Signature....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Today I saw beauty, I saw life, I saw love... I witnessed inspiration... Thank you Pat & Stef!

Darkness

I haven't written in awhile. It is because I have no inspiration. There is a darkness in my soul. It is not an exaggeration. It is real, very real. There is an aura, that plagues us that feel too much. And right now, it is enveloping my very being. I have no commentary on love, or life. 

I Feel so disconnected. There isn't enough good in the world. I am losing Faith in the people, in love, and in my own existence. My Thoughts are incoherent, and I've resorted to trying to numb this plethora of ticking thoughts that are forming. 

Till I find myself, till i make sense of something. I speak only to the voices in my head... 

Airplanes

"Can We Pretend that Airplanes, In The Night Sky, Are Like Shooting Stars? I Could Really Use a Wish Right Now.."

Lovely lyrics from A song that just struck me from the first time I heard it, like a phone book to the back of my head. I could really use a wish right now, I really could.

But what would I wish for? Love? Money? a New Life? No, none of those things. I understand love, and why I cannot have it, I hate money, and what it has done to my childhood, my family, and me, and a Life, well, I cannot live another one to any greater good.

I would wish for peace. I would wish for sleep. I would wish to close my eyes for the last time, and lose this myriad of thoughts that plague my every waking moment. I would wish for the pinch that would wake me from this superfluous conundrum of a dream. I would wish for a simple end.

Ok thats a lot of wishes. I Guess I will have to spend the rest of this night, to define how I can formulate these wishes into a single statement, so that when I next see an Aeroplane, or catch an angel's fallen eyelash, I can make my wish.

Lost At Sea

Lost at Sea....

++++++++++++++++++++

The Seconds Tick on,

Moments too slow,

The Fading Edges,

On this Shadow Once Callow,

The Wind Dies down,

The Sails Tips Over,

His Soul Sits Trapped,

Amidst this Clear Blue Water,

Waves lap against his Starboard,

There isn't a shore in sight,

Hopeful Eyes Search the Horizon,

Listening For a Siren To End his Plight,

A Single Thread of Destiny,

Had Taught his Heart to Love,

But there in the Cool blue Sea,

There isn't a Saving Dove,

Closing his Eyes to the Sun,

He Shifts across to His Bow,

He surrenders his body to The Sea,

His Lips in Her Name, a Vow,

The Sharks Swirl around,

Scenting Blood,

Of a Broken Heart's, Bleeding Call...

The Salt of His tears,

Mourn Him With The Sea,

He That Should Not have Been Born At all,

++++++++++++++++++++

Silence.

Fear is an ever present sanction in our lives. It exists without invitation in the very essence of our being, in an immeasurable number of permutations. From rational fears like the fear of falling, or heights, designed by evolution as a defence mechanism for our species; to irrational fears like the fear of clowns or rejection or failure. Fear exists in an evolutionary plane that adapts quickly and perfectly with our every motion and memory.

My greatest fear is silence. I am terrified of the lonesome silence that is enveloping and dry and seeps all life from my mind and heart. The kind of silence that leaves me sitting here, writing of my fear. The kind of silence that creeps into my head, and explodes in a cacophony that is painfully deafening. An Oxymoron, yes. This silence is in itself, unbearably loud.

It is the fear of being alone, of having this capacity to love, and not finding anyone that wants it. Silence is a cancer for me, I can take pain in all its physical forms, there is medication that can numb pain, but not silence. It is the irony of this demon wielding its all powerful trident. It cannot be defeated alone, yet it only exists when you are alone.

A Confusing incoherence rapes my thoughts when I'm left alone with this consuming fear. Anger is befuddled with sadness, and happiness quickly turns from a renaissance masterpiece to a taunting caricature, fading with the retreating light. It is when I loathe my mind the most. Like a bad acid trip, I am consumed by a convergence of all my worst fears, both realized and unrealized. In an ever transient filmstrip that plays and replays that which has left me scarred and that which I know will leave me scarred.

This fear of solitude is not difficult to understand, because it is so simple in its contrivance. However, its effects on my mind, that is the underlying issue. Its talons reach so deep into the essence of my soul that the resultant pain questions my sanity. I was born to love. The notion of love, of loyalty has always been the cornerstone of my existence, that being without an outlet for that energy, in the arms of desolation, my mind and my heart turn on themselves, in a war that I cannot win.

This is what I fear the Most in my existence.

This Silence.

This I love...

I am listening to a sad song right now. I have had it on repeat all weekend. Typically, it is by my favourite band, Guns N Roses.

But yes, this song, I suddenly had the urge to listen to it yesterday, sitting at home alone, I'd run out of blues to play on my guitar. Well my soul is full of it, but I'd exhausted all the strength in my fingers, I suddenly felt very drained by everything that is going on in the world that has now surrounded me. And I felt like hearing a heart cry out for love, and that is what this song is, it summarizes my yesterday, and my today. 48hrs of estrangement...

And now I don’t know why
She wouldn’t say goodbye
But then it seems that I
Had seen it in her eyes
And it might not be wise
I’d still have to try
With all the love I have inside
I can’t deny

I just can’t let it die
Cause her heart’s just like mine
And she holds her pain inside
So if you ask me why
She wouldn’t say goodbye
I know somewhere inside
There is a special light
Still shining bright
And even on the darkest night
She can’t deny

So if she’s somewhere near me
I hope to God she hears me
There’s no one else could ever make me feel
I’m so alive
I hoped she’d never leave me
Please God you must believe me
I’ve searched the universe and found myself
Within’ her eyes

No matter how I try
They say it’s all a lie
So what’s the use of my
Confessions to a crime
Of passions that won’t die
In my heart

So if she’s somewhere near me
I hope to God she hears me
There’s no one else could ever make me feel
I’m so alive
I hoped she’d never leave me
Please God you must believe me
I’ve searched the universe and found myself
Within’ her eyes

And now I don’t know why
She wouldn’t say goodbye
It just might be that I
Had seen it in her eyes
And now it seems that I
Gave up my ghost of pride
I’ll never say goodbye 

A Lover's Moment

A Lover's Moment

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The bay was still, gently lapping against the moon's soft touches of light. A breeze caressed them, planting its cool kisses along their skin. The world swirled with voices and the footsteps of people, but he heard nor felt no one else as he watched her hair flutter in her face. The night seemed endless, as he drifted in his sweet waking dream.

As if in recognition, the sky lit up in a burst of light, a sparkle of morning sun against the backdrop of a starless night. It was a symphony of light, orchestrated by strangers, and appreciated by lovers. A gift, unexpected, but received in wonder. It was the signature of approval of the fates, scribbled on the canvas of the sky, the benevolent smile of the universe, beaming down on the souls coupled within her.

As the last sprinkle of stardust faded from the sky, the echoes of the brilliance that colored the night, remained in her eyes. He gazed at them, those windows that held his life behind them, and filed another timeless image of her elegance in his heart. They embraced, the warmth of her fingers racing up his spine to kiss the sweet fragrance of her breath on his chest. His world held still for the eternity of a moment.

They parted, even as their hearts remained entangled and walked into the night, the lights of the city in their wake. Their picture flies off the steel rail, into the river bay below. A lover's moment, captured in the river of time.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My Singularity

I haven't just written, pointlessly and aimlessly in a long time. My humble poetry is tailored towards very specific emotions that I feel, but there is so much more, so many more thoughts, and feelings and images that are just churning through the universe that I have in my mind.

But I realize as I sit here and think, that it is all in vain, I am not a deep person, because my depth, my waking moments are defined by a singularity. This singularity; my femme fatale if you will, defines my every action, emotion, my faith, my gait, and even these words. Every last detail of my life, is an extension of her. My thoughts cannot drift too far, before they return to this ever expanding beginning, my Big Bang, the inspiration to the consciousness that exists inside of me.

This singularity, my point of complexity, is effeminate. Why? Because, as a man, the greatest paradox in my world, is a woman. And hence, what better way to define, this strangely paradoxical, ever evolving, mother of the labyrinth of my illumination. Her face has changed throughout time, but her essence, has not.

I have gone a full circle, as it is my way. I set out to write aimlessly, and instead, wrote specifically. My heart, and this page, will always know the name of this Singularity. Scribbled into the sinew of my soul in the matter of moments that I first embraced her presence. I am grateful for this muse who defines me, because I have spent my lifetime, writing, and searching, to put a name and a face to her. And now, that I accept her timelessness, I struggle, waiting for this universe to once again contract and rush back into her, that she, My Afflatus, who has driven me through so much of my life, learns through my search, Her self.

This duality within me, is the principle of my beliefs. I believe that we, who are born and die alone, we spend our entire lives, building relationships and importance in trivialities, to try to cheat this foreboding inevitability of loneliness. It is a need to exist, and have continuity beyond the frailty of our lives that is the cause for this inspiration.

I believe, that our consciousness is born in two halves that are mismatched for this very reason. A conflict that is necessary so that we question ourselves, and our surroundings. For if we were born whole, love would have been unnecessary, and all the works of inspiration that defines mankind, born from stone, ink or music, from the Taj Mahal, to the Mona Lisa, from Shakespeare's 116th sonnet to Beethoven's 9th symphony, would never have been possible.

It is when we conclude this search, to love inspiration, and inspire in someone the same fervency, that we live our lives meaningfully. It is said that we must love ourselves before we love others, that is to me utter narcissistic hogwash. We can never understand the reason of our own existence. It is impossible. Our mind cannot wrap itself around itself, but it can wholly embrace, and be consumed by another. It is there that it is complete, in that embrace, shared between two consciousnesses, that understanding is realized.

The answer to my existence is not in some higher power. It is within me, it is in her. It is in the knowledge that I am here to love, and inspire and be inspired. It is in these words, it is in the copulation of the emptiness of my singularity with the substance of her universe, in her illumination, I will realize my life.

A Reflection of Love

Love is a curious thing. It is something that mesmerises me. It is something that I think about, I yearn for, something that I do not feel is abundant enough in the world. It is to me, the most beautiful thing in the world, for it can make you forget yourself, in such happiness that all things seem trivial, and it can plunge you in such sadness, that all things seem far too great to bear.

I for one do not believe that the capacity to love, is uniquely human. It exists in all things, if you only choose to look for it. It is as much in the rain that waters the flowers, as it is in the mother that weans her child, as much in the breeze that rustles leaves, as it is in the gentle kisses in lovers' smiles. It is every where around us.

In all its grand splender, Love is the quintessential oxymoron, turning fools into poets, and making paupers feel like wealthy men, just as it makes wise men act foolish, and wealthy men revel in the poverty of her absence. It brings out the best in some men, carrying them to heights they could never have even imagined on their own, and elicits the worst in other men, driving them to heinous crimes their minds cannot comprehend.

Love, a romantic's best friend, the ink of a poet's pen, she evades all that seek her, They that love love, often find themselves alienated from her. An endless search, of the most obvious glaring truth. That is what love is.

++=++++=++++=+++++

I didn't have the energy to think of rhyme, but love will always intrigue me, and i will never tire of writing of it. In all my sadness, i draw strength that i still have the will to love and the capacity to exercise. And that, No one, can ever take from me.

I Write...

I Write...

++++++++++++++++

I Write To Remember My Joy,

That Those Moments,

Will Remain Eternal,

I Write So These Words,

Dress My Wounds,

And Make the Pain Bearable,

I Write To Remind Myself of Love,

For those Times,

When Its Warm Comfort is Scarce,

I Write to Appreciate Beauty,

To keep In my Life,

Its Grasp,

I Write to Feel Freedom,

That In this Script,

It Can Dance,

I Write To Confess my Sins,

That I Might Meet,

Forgiveness' Glance,

I Write so Someone Out there,

Can Take Comfort,

That They are Not Alone,

I Write So She Knows I'm Thinking Of her,

When I Can't Pick up the Phone,

I Write So You Might Know Me,

When My Lips Have No Adage,

I Write to Leave a Piece of Myself,

For When My Book,

Reaches Its Last Page...

++++++++++++++++

Come Home...

Come Home...

++++++++++++++++++++++++

He asks if She'd Return,

Her gentle Lips Part with Maybe,

I still have to decide, She offers,

It is not that Easy to be Free,

As the Door Shuts Behind Her,

The Soft Click returns Reality,

A Jarring Reminder Some Dreams,

May Never be More than Fantasy,

His Heart Slowly Crumbles,

As it Beats Heavy, Against His Chest,

He Sinks into his Chair,

He Sleeps, but is Unable to Rest,

His Guitar Rings Blue,

As This Silence, He tries to Bend,

He turns To these Pages,

And Bleeds Slowly thru His Pen,

Every Thought Drifts to Her,

Heaven's First Perfection,

Is it Providence To Befriend Angels,

Or Cruel Fate that Belies this Elation,

The Memory of her Smile Steadies Him,

The Light in her Eyes, Glowing Warm,

Engraving Hope, in His Faithless Heart,

That She Might One day, Come Home...

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Love is...

Love Is...
+++++++++++++++++
Love,
It is,
The Moon,
That rises on a Starless Night,

It is,
The song sung
Beneath the Window of Love's First Sight,

It is,
The Whisper of a Breeze,
On a Summer Noon,

It is,
The Warm Fingers of a Fire,
In the Winter's Cold Gloom,

It is,
The Ray of Sunshine,
That Breaks Dark Clouds,
And Colours the Rainbow,

It is,
The Dew,
That Caresses Spring's First Rose,

Love,
It is you,
It is me,
It is the Descant That is Us...

+++++++++++++++++

This is a poem, I do not feel is complete. There are still a good many things in the world that exemplify Love to me, and I hope to share them with you here.

Faithless

Faithless

++++++++++++++++++++

The Drowning Dream,

Of Sleepless Nights,

Shattered Smiles,

Waiting New Morn's Light,

Wavering Whispers,

Hailing Helios,

To Ferry to His Window,

A Brilliant dawn,

To Save Her Vestments,

From Pools of Hope, Now Shallow,

Faith Has Since Departed,

Of Love,

Mirroring His Ardour,

His Poverty Born Not,

Of Want Of Money or Power,

A Poor Man, Heart Shorn,

Love's Cupboard Bare,

Nursing Cracked Lips,

Dried in this Drought of Despair,

He Steps into the Rain,

To hide the World, From His Tears,

A Shell,

Hollowed and Faithless,

Tainted,

With Pagan Prayers...

++++++++++++++++++++

Rain

Rain....

++++++++++++++++++++++

Come Hither Rain,

Firmament's Loving Tears,

In Thy Grace, Wash away,

This Foolish Man's Fears,

Flood This Heart,

A Barren Landscape, Rived,

Ferry Back Seeded Sands,

Replant a Meadow of Life,

Reverent, Behind this Window,

Gazing at your Poignant Descent,

I implore Thee, Heaven's Gift,

Bathe Me With Love's Consent...

++++++++++++++++++++++

Simple Wish

Simple Wish

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I speak,

Yet No words Form,

Illusions Consume my World,

As Ill Fate Conforms,

Fate that Love Begot,

Of Fate that Life Forgot,

Two minds of Single heart,

Weighing Measure Of Love,

Or Of Practical Depart,

I beseech Thee, O Providence,

Smile in my Favour,

That I Might Reminisce,

In her Smile's Fervour,

The Glow Divine of Her Eyes,

Bequeath me Soon,

That I may Gratefully Thank,

The Bequest of this Boon...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Silence

Silence

++++++++++++++++++++++

The Silence Deafens,

His eyes Search in Vain,

He Feebly Voices his Appeal,

For Someone To Ferret His pain,

The Void in His Chest Resounds,

As in this Empty Room He Sits,

Strapped in an Electric Chair,

Waiting for Someone to To flip the Switch,

The Silence remains Haunting,

Ripping His Mind's fragile Seam,

His Fears dance in the Shadows,

Circling, Stalking and Mocking Him,

Solace, He has long forgotten,

A Memory, Distant, Tattered And Faded,

Only this Silence remains Enveloping,

A Rhythm, Lonely, Twisted and Jaded......

++++++++++++++++++++++

Lucinda

Lucinda

++++++++++++++++++++++

Draw Near,

Lady Lucinda,

Smile Upon Your Vassal,

That Gratefully I may Pay Homage,

For tenement,

In Your Heart's Castle,

Dip Your Hands,

In my Tribute,

In This Chalice,

I bring Love's Laughter,

Draw Your Fingers Closer,

If You Would Cup this Water,

These Tears,

A Simple Gift,

Gathered of this Loving Heart,

Hold them with Care,

Dear Lucinda,

As from this Piece of Myself,

I Part.....

++++++++++++++++++++++

A Prayer

A Prayer

++++++++++++++++++++

Lord I offer,

A Prayer to Thee,

One I humbly ask, You heed,

Each night my mother,

Lays down to rest,

Her Body, Her Mind,

I pray you Bless,

Let Not a A single worry cross her face,

Comfort my angel,

In the warmth of your Grace,

As long as the Stars,

In the Night Sky, Glitter,

Sweeten her Dreams,

Till Honey seems Bitter,

Remove from Me,

And Grant unto Her,

Weigh All Scales,

In My Mother's favour,

O Lord, Think Not twice,

About my request,

And All other Wants,

I will Keep to my chest....

- Ganesh J. Perumal, July 1, 2005

++++++++++++++++++++

I wrote this, One July night, after having spoken to my Mother. 10 months before She left this place. I read this poem today, and remembered how I felt when I wrote it. I Quote myself, So that I will always remember.

"Yesterday i spoke to my Mum..It brought a smile to my face...I really can't wait to see her...I love that Woman Sooo much..I only pray that i can be the son She Raised....."

Yesterday

Yesterday...

++++++++++++++++

I Think of Yesterday,

A Memory of Love,

Edges Tailored With Bliss,

A Canvas of Peace's Cove,

Of A Yesterday,

Spent Lost in a Rapture,

Called Away by Freedom,

Secured In Love's Armour,

I Dream of Yesterday,

Her, That Loved With a Smile,

She, That Walked with Serendipity,

The Lady,

That Weaved the Passion of the Nile,

If Tomorrow Had But a Moment,

Of Yesterday's Poised Grace,

I could not Help But Blush,

Witness, To The Return of Love's Face....

++++++++++++++++

A Night

A Night

++++++++++++++

Nights Like these,

Bear Fruit I've Savoured Before,

Dark, Stagnant, Foreboding,

Trees from a Forest bred of Woe,

Stumbling over the Bracken,

Of Misery's Wiry Fingers,

I breathe the scent of Fury,

And find her Whisper Lingers,

Alas, In This Storm,

Even The Wind's Chariot,

Cannot Pull itself from Sorrow Away,

I walk in Resignation,

Surrendering My Dissent,

To This Night's Solemn Parley...

++++++++++++++

The Equation

The Equation

+++++++++++++++++

Honey, Take My Hand,

Come Walk With Me,

Set Your Footsteps next to Mine,

Honey, Down by Where,

The Sands meet the Waves,

Leave your Hands In mine,

These Waves Don't Crash,

Till They see The Shore,

Darlin, The Sun's Never Warm,

Till you're At the Door,

Its When the Wind Falls in Love,

That We Hear the Leaves Sing,

Its When the Day Meets the Night,

That we see the Sky's Sheen,

Just Like Words Don't Rhyme,

When They are Separated,

Honey, Hearts Don't Skip a Beat,

Till They are United,

There isn't a Mystery,

To this Psalm I've Sung,

Darlin, The Equation's Simple,

Love Plus Two, Is One...

+++++++++++++++++

Angel

Angel

+++++++++++++++

Cold Were His Mornings,

Darkness Had the Keys to His Door,

But Dawn Broke One Day,

When Her Face, He Saw,

Her Hands Brushed Away The Worries,

That Had Fallen Over His Eyes,

In Her Voice, She Carried Him Peace,

That was Oft Missing in His Life,

Freedom She bought Him,

Her Eyes, Sharing His Thoughts,

Memories She Returned Him,

Of Goodness, He had Long Forgot,

Blissfully He Gazes,

Witness To a Beauty Without Par,

Yet, Woe Begets His Heart,

That Has to Love an Angel From Afar...

+++++++++++++++

She

She...

++++++++++++

Eyes Of Pearls,

She Uses to See,

Wavy Hair,

That Rivals The Sea,
Her Lips a Brilliant Red,
Next to Which the Finest Roses Fade,

Walking On Air,

She Seems to Float,

Causing Me on Her To Dote,

Since the Birth of Time,

The Sunset Sky,

Has Managed to Lay Claim,

To Be The Most Beautiful Sight,

Till In this World, She Came...

+++++++++++++

An Ageless Reflection of a schoolboy's Infatuation.....

Katherine Perumal; 21 Oct, 1946 - 13 Apr, 2006

+++++++++++++++++

Dear Mother,

Four Years Have Not Dimmed Your Memory,

Every Detail, Every Nuance,

You Remain in my Heart Impasse...

I Remember Your Warm Smile,

Ever Ahead Your Weary Eyes,

I Remember Your Steadfast Will,

Regardless the Harshness of Life,

I Remember Your Discipline,

That Gave me This Cognizance,

I Remember Your Tears,

Shed for This Young Fool's Dissidence,

But Above All,

Dearest Mother,

I Remember Your Sacrifices,

Your Life's Ever Present Cadence...

Thru You,

I learnt to Give when I didn't have,

Learnt to Share when there Wasn't Enough,

You Showed me a Bad Hand didn't Matter,

As Long as I Played it with a Laugh...

To Explain How Much I Miss You,

I Could Learn All Men's Languages,

And Study The Soft Whisper of the Wind,

I could speak The Speech of Waves,

Master the Song of Falling Rain,

And Still Come up Wanting...

Dear Mother,

I Struggle To Understand Why You left Then,

The World is Bereft a Heart Too Kind,

The Sun May Have Set On Your Life,

But The Twilight Remains in Mine...

+++++++++++++++++++

I am Unable to title This Poem. It Speaks for Itself. I miss you Amma..

Ill

Ill

==============

It is without avenue,

That I return to this Street,

Encumbered by Lonesome Chance,

A Voice in Solemn Requiem,

The Vision imparted Uncanny,

Without a forewarn Soliloquy,

In Contempt I Raise my Silence,

In this Poesy, Denied a Dream...

=====================

I just needed to say something again....