Silence.

Fear is an ever present sanction in our lives. It exists without invitation in the very essence of our being, in an immeasurable number of permutations. From rational fears like the fear of falling, or heights, designed by evolution as a defence mechanism for our species; to irrational fears like the fear of clowns or rejection or failure. Fear exists in an evolutionary plane that adapts quickly and perfectly with our every motion and memory.

My greatest fear is silence. I am terrified of the lonesome silence that is enveloping and dry and seeps all life from my mind and heart. The kind of silence that leaves me sitting here, writing of my fear. The kind of silence that creeps into my head, and explodes in a cacophony that is painfully deafening. An Oxymoron, yes. This silence is in itself, unbearably loud.

It is the fear of being alone, of having this capacity to love, and not finding anyone that wants it. Silence is a cancer for me, I can take pain in all its physical forms, there is medication that can numb pain, but not silence. It is the irony of this demon wielding its all powerful trident. It cannot be defeated alone, yet it only exists when you are alone.

A Confusing incoherence rapes my thoughts when I'm left alone with this consuming fear. Anger is befuddled with sadness, and happiness quickly turns from a renaissance masterpiece to a taunting caricature, fading with the retreating light. It is when I loathe my mind the most. Like a bad acid trip, I am consumed by a convergence of all my worst fears, both realized and unrealized. In an ever transient filmstrip that plays and replays that which has left me scarred and that which I know will leave me scarred.

This fear of solitude is not difficult to understand, because it is so simple in its contrivance. However, its effects on my mind, that is the underlying issue. Its talons reach so deep into the essence of my soul that the resultant pain questions my sanity. I was born to love. The notion of love, of loyalty has always been the cornerstone of my existence, that being without an outlet for that energy, in the arms of desolation, my mind and my heart turn on themselves, in a war that I cannot win.

This is what I fear the Most in my existence.

This Silence.