The First Step

The first step, is always the most difficult. In the past months, the gaping hole in my life, has not been filled, neither has the weight on my shoulders lifted, but I feel different. I feel ready to heal again, bit by bit, one memory at a time.

We cannot change what happened in our lives, but we can when we are ready, take the first steps towards that long and arduous journey back up the water spout. Will the rain come again? Yes, it most likely will. Will we be washed back down, probably, but there's a reason one of the first rhymes we learn as a kid, is the "Itsy Bitsy Spider"; it carries a very important lesson for all of us, we can, and should always try again.

Can I forget what has transpired, no, that would be silly. Everything, that we go through, however painful, moulds us into who we are. No, I do not look within me for the solace to forget, rather, I dig deep for the strength, to gather up whats left, and make the most out of it. I will write, and muse, and maybe find enough of myself, to be a better Person.

These are my First Steps.

3 Memories

3 Memories

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I Gazed on Innocence Today,

In A Child, Standing Knee Deep,

In her Mother's Boots, Running,

With Each Step, She Seemed to Leap,

I Fell in Laughter Today,

In a Friend's Unexpected Glance,

She turned to Recite a Rhapsody,

Mocking a Duck's Contrived Dance,

I Reminisced Beauty Today,

In a Meal I never Would have Had,

Had I not Met Her Wonder,

My Angel's Perfect Silhouette,

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Often I comment after a poem, to try to help you understand what i might truly be feeling. However, this time, I do not have a poem, but I do have an enterprise of hope. You see, my emotions, are best expressed in these words, or the amateurish blues I bang out on my guitar. They both have one thing in  common, they have an audience of 1, Myself. This is my means to retain my sanity amidst this unnatural silence, in the aftermath of the failures and sadness, I could write to display my mood, as I always have, or I could write for hope, to be able to Believe. These verses may mean nothing to you, but they each represent a memory of today to me.....

Momma, I Miss You...

Momma, I Miss You

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Momma I Miss you,

You made my World Less Grey,

I See your Laugh,

When I close my Eyes,

Its Like You Never Went Away,

Momma, I Miss You,

You Made my World So Safe,

You Were Honest to me, 

You Were Strong for me,

You Gave me hope and Faith,

Momma, I Miss You,

How You Filled my World with Love,

Fierce when I was out place,

Gentle, When I needed Grace,

The Flame that warmed Our Cove,

Momma, I Miss You,

Would You Not Call Me One Day?

Scold me, Cry with Me,

Smack me, Laugh with me,

Teach this Broken Heart to Pray...

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A Star

A Star

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Does a Star Grant Wishes,

Upon them That Ask Of Her,

They That Beseech her,

Does She Twinkle Her Consent,

Or Do All Supplications,

Spoken, Heaven Bound,

Meet Her Scornful Mirth,

And Fall back to the Ground,

For Them That Loved Truly,

For Them that Believed Blindly,

Does She Fulfill Their Desiderata,

Or Does She Remove More, Cruelly,

Is She Hope, Defiant,

Piercing The Night's Seams,

Or Just the Glint of Irony,

Blanketed In the Dark of Dead Dreams..

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Yes, I deleted my last entry. I went without music and words for so long, I felt everything so perfectly, so absolutely, that I feel like she died all over again. However, I still have a job to do, and till that is done, I cannot afford to lose myself. And For that, I Need These Words......

A Tale..

A Tale...

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A Sullen Tale,

Of Spring's First kiss,

A Summer Untainted,

Autumn's Leaves Falling Grieved,

A Tale Ended abrupt,

Amidst a Cold Winter Solstice,

She Led A Stray Down.

A Path that Hope lit,

Feeding It Scraps From her Table,

One It was not deemed fit to Sit,

Its Loyalty grew steadfast,

Its Hunger now tamed,

Gazing on Its Mistress Lovingly,

It forgot from whence It Came,

One day she tired of its whimper,

Its doleful eyes No longer had Sway,

She once again led the stray,

This time somewhere far away,

Down a cold and dark Alley,

And promised to come back One Day,

The confused pup howled sadly,

In Pain, Words couldn't Say,

Despondent, Abandoned,

As its Angel Walked Away...

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Not all tales, have happy endings...

The Witness

The Witness

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I saw love today,

She was a beautiful thing,

Resplendent,

Effervescent,

She was Awe Inspiring,

When She Walked,

Through a shared kiss,

I saw Faith,

I saw Fervour,

I witnessed a Man's Bliss...

What i have,

I place in prayer,

That love like that,

Stays Still forever,

That they remain,

Love's Astute Tower,

That in Their Union,

Their Fears Will Cower,

Love is a Gift,

Unlike no other,

May love Always Be,

Their Lives' Signature....

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Today I saw beauty, I saw life, I saw love... I witnessed inspiration... Thank you Pat & Stef!

Darkness

I haven't written in awhile. It is because I have no inspiration. There is a darkness in my soul. It is not an exaggeration. It is real, very real. There is an aura, that plagues us that feel too much. And right now, it is enveloping my very being. I have no commentary on love, or life. 

I Feel so disconnected. There isn't enough good in the world. I am losing Faith in the people, in love, and in my own existence. My Thoughts are incoherent, and I've resorted to trying to numb this plethora of ticking thoughts that are forming. 

Till I find myself, till i make sense of something. I speak only to the voices in my head... 

Airplanes

"Can We Pretend that Airplanes, In The Night Sky, Are Like Shooting Stars? I Could Really Use a Wish Right Now.."

Lovely lyrics from A song that just struck me from the first time I heard it, like a phone book to the back of my head. I could really use a wish right now, I really could.

But what would I wish for? Love? Money? a New Life? No, none of those things. I understand love, and why I cannot have it, I hate money, and what it has done to my childhood, my family, and me, and a Life, well, I cannot live another one to any greater good.

I would wish for peace. I would wish for sleep. I would wish to close my eyes for the last time, and lose this myriad of thoughts that plague my every waking moment. I would wish for the pinch that would wake me from this superfluous conundrum of a dream. I would wish for a simple end.

Ok thats a lot of wishes. I Guess I will have to spend the rest of this night, to define how I can formulate these wishes into a single statement, so that when I next see an Aeroplane, or catch an angel's fallen eyelash, I can make my wish.

Lost At Sea

Lost at Sea....

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The Seconds Tick on,

Moments too slow,

The Fading Edges,

On this Shadow Once Callow,

The Wind Dies down,

The Sails Tips Over,

His Soul Sits Trapped,

Amidst this Clear Blue Water,

Waves lap against his Starboard,

There isn't a shore in sight,

Hopeful Eyes Search the Horizon,

Listening For a Siren To End his Plight,

A Single Thread of Destiny,

Had Taught his Heart to Love,

But there in the Cool blue Sea,

There isn't a Saving Dove,

Closing his Eyes to the Sun,

He Shifts across to His Bow,

He surrenders his body to The Sea,

His Lips in Her Name, a Vow,

The Sharks Swirl around,

Scenting Blood,

Of a Broken Heart's, Bleeding Call...

The Salt of His tears,

Mourn Him With The Sea,

He That Should Not have Been Born At all,

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Silence.

Fear is an ever present sanction in our lives. It exists without invitation in the very essence of our being, in an immeasurable number of permutations. From rational fears like the fear of falling, or heights, designed by evolution as a defence mechanism for our species; to irrational fears like the fear of clowns or rejection or failure. Fear exists in an evolutionary plane that adapts quickly and perfectly with our every motion and memory.

My greatest fear is silence. I am terrified of the lonesome silence that is enveloping and dry and seeps all life from my mind and heart. The kind of silence that leaves me sitting here, writing of my fear. The kind of silence that creeps into my head, and explodes in a cacophony that is painfully deafening. An Oxymoron, yes. This silence is in itself, unbearably loud.

It is the fear of being alone, of having this capacity to love, and not finding anyone that wants it. Silence is a cancer for me, I can take pain in all its physical forms, there is medication that can numb pain, but not silence. It is the irony of this demon wielding its all powerful trident. It cannot be defeated alone, yet it only exists when you are alone.

A Confusing incoherence rapes my thoughts when I'm left alone with this consuming fear. Anger is befuddled with sadness, and happiness quickly turns from a renaissance masterpiece to a taunting caricature, fading with the retreating light. It is when I loathe my mind the most. Like a bad acid trip, I am consumed by a convergence of all my worst fears, both realized and unrealized. In an ever transient filmstrip that plays and replays that which has left me scarred and that which I know will leave me scarred.

This fear of solitude is not difficult to understand, because it is so simple in its contrivance. However, its effects on my mind, that is the underlying issue. Its talons reach so deep into the essence of my soul that the resultant pain questions my sanity. I was born to love. The notion of love, of loyalty has always been the cornerstone of my existence, that being without an outlet for that energy, in the arms of desolation, my mind and my heart turn on themselves, in a war that I cannot win.

This is what I fear the Most in my existence.

This Silence.