Familiar Morning..

Today was another familiar morning, one that i've thought of writing about, but often chosen to suppress instead. Its a morning where i awake, flooded with the memories of my mother, and her passing..

Its a morning where i can't turn around to go back to sleep, because every image, every feeling and every sensation, pulsates through every single cell that composes me. Glimpses of memories of her strongest moments, and her lowest ones, the smile on her face, along with the sadness in her eyes, My defining moments, dwarfed by my transgressions, culminating in the vicious reenactment of her deathbed.

Each icy moment as her breath left her in my arms, each story, or reassurance, supplanted by the darkness of my actions, every emotion and fear, revisited with a fervor that only the mind knows how to replicate.

Would i trade this morning for another? No. I won't. A morning like this, defines me and reminds me, It holds her true to me, and is unique to me. My mother and i, were close, without speaking, without overt affections. We shared a link, that words, and relations cannot describe. In exchanged glances and sheer presence, we spoke not frivolities, but comfort and truth. Our disagreements were fiery and we loved freely, for we begot each other.

Wherever i was, i knew i was safe because i could return, and she never hid her knowledge, that i would never be too far from her. And without warning, unprepared, that security was taken from me. Alienated, i stand in a world, misunderstood and deposed, searching for the hand that held mine. And these mornings, in their entirety, are the closest i will ever get to those irreplaceable fingertips.

Cliches and condolences are abundant, but the depth of an abyss is only known to the one who falls through it, and only when i reach my own end, will i truly be able to awake to a different morning to relish...